Duct tape malfunction

From Canadian citizen Pamela Anderson in her letter to Stephen Harper re the Atlantic seal harvest:
"I'm writing you today not so much about the horrific cruelty involved in the hunt, but about the impact of the government's indifference to such violence on Canada's image around the world."

Response from Canada's Fisheries Minister Loyola Hearn who said he used to watch Anderson on the television show that propelled her to stardom :
"It's been a long time since she looked good on Baywatch."

Nice to see your ability to adequately defend your ministry's policy is contingent upon your ability to keep it in your pants.

Link

Cancun cowboys

The Canadian press was very quiet about the Cancun summit today.
Fortunately, the American papers are full of it...
but not as 'full of it' as usual.
From the Miami Herald : italics mine

" Bush will find soul mate in Canada's Harper
While meeting in Cancún, Mexico, President Bush should find he has a lot in common with Canada's new prime minister, Stephen Harper.
CANCUN, Mexico - President Bush arrives in Cancún today for a two-day summit with Mexican President Vicente Fox and new conservative Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, a political soul mate who is bent on improving his country's frosty relations with Washington.
While talks with Fox about immigration are expected to dominate the session at this Yucatán vacation resort, Harper will be pushing his own agenda, and when Bush sits down with him on Thursday, he'll see a mirror image of himself.
Harper, a 46-year-old economist, rose to Canada's highest office by talking about his religious faith, vowing to cut taxes and end government corruption and promising to reconsider a same-sex marriage law that Canada's Parliament approved last June -- all themes that Bush campaigned on in 2000 and 2004.
In addition, Harper said he'll consider the White House's offer for Canada to join in fielding a continental ballistic missile shield, an invitation that former Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin rejected.
''If George Bush can't get along with Stephen Harper, he can't get along with any world leader,'' said David Taras, a political science professor at the University of Calgary. ``They're ideological cousins, if not twins.''
Sworn into office last month, Harper borrowed a page from Bush's playbook and secretly traveled to Afghanistan earlier this month to meet with Canadian troops, highlight his country's contribution to the war on terrorism and buck up domestic support for the mission.
The trip also sent a message to Washington, according to John Hulsman, an analyst for the Heritage Foundation, a conservative think tank.
''That was to show the cavalry is back in town, that they're not going to be anti-American,'' he said. ``Harper, like Bush, has a black-and-white, good-and-evil view of the world -- they're cut from the same cloth."

Now why can't we get great press coverage like that in Canada?

He's just not that into you

Tomorrow Stephen Harper, George Bush, and Vicente Fox will sit down together in Cancun to discuss issues of relevance to all three countries as laid out in the Security and Prosperity Partnership of North America.

Yesterday White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced it this way:

"The president had a good discussion with Prime Minister Martin yesterday," McClellan said. "That was the call that Prime Minister Martin had initiated really to thank the president on behalf of the people of Canada for the efforts of our coalition forces."
"The president looks forward to visiting with Prime Minister Martin and strengthening our relations."

And from FoxNews:

"Bush plans to spend less than 48 hours in Cancun, squeezing in bilateral and group meetings and a visit to the Mayan ruins at Chichen Itza — a rare cultural detour for the president who normally keeps a tight diplomatic schedule on foreign visits."

Uh-huh.
Yeah, she called me ... I dunno, some name like Happy or Bambi or something ...oh fer sure I will if I'm feeling like it but it's not like I'm going to blow the whole day on her...I dunno, maybe visit some ruins or something later while I'm here...

Ookpik

From b-boy :

Beyond the Great Barbarian Canadian Club on Ice blood and guts thing lies a softer story. A uniquely Canadian children's story. We all had an Ookpik, the original cabbage patch rage. I loved mine when I was 8. It looked like an owl, only cuter. Every lucky Canadian kid had one. Bet you had one too.
They kind of disappeared when Brigitte came on the scene.
There's dozens of wacko toy sites devoted to them.
Pop culture politics.
They were made of seal fur.

Sunday FSM news

PR Web News reports the alarming possibility of a schism developing within the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster as two New Intelligent Design books with slightly differing visions are published simultaneously.

Founding Pastafarian Bobby Henderson, best known for his seminal work tracking the inverse relationship between global warming and the continuing decline in the numbers of pirates, has just released "The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster" through Villard Books. Expected to provide "an influential voice within the Intelligent Design debate plaguing school systems", Henderson is pledging all proceeds from the book towards the pirate ship fund, hoping to strengthen the movement that believes "the universe was created by a creature comprised largely of noodles".

"I feel that my constitutionally guaranteed freedom of religious belief is being unfairly discriminated against.
Obviously, if we have to pay taxes, we won't be able to afford as large or bad-ass of a pirate ship. I suspect they will find it harder to ignore us when we have the pirate ship, with cannons, etc"

A more spiritual approach is taken by Dr. Jonathan C. Smith in his handsomely bound volume "God Speaks! The Flying Spaghetti Monster in His Own Words". Using advanced computer techology and groundbreaking artificial intelligence software to produce a new form of anagrams called "spaghettigrams", Smith's goal is to “to inspire those of all beliefs to put aside the superficial prejudices, distorted thinking, and superstition that can cloud one’s vision and interfere with authentic spirituality.”

As PR Web News reports, "Whether or not the FSM movement, which has lobbied to be considered by school boards alongside other theories of intelligent design, will embrace Smith’s ideas remains to be seen."

Surely a movement which has so successfully straddled the scientific and religious and pirate disciplines will prevail over these minor semolina differences.

To read more about the FSM movement or to order Henderson's book, go here. Dr. Jonathan C. Smith's book can be ordered here.

Umbrage Update : From today's USA Today article on FSM :

" "It's too bad that they'll get attention for this sort of drivel when we have a robust scientific research program that the media doesn't seem to want to write much about," Discovery Institute spokesman Robert Crowther said in an e-mail interview. The Seattle-based institute is the leading think tank for intelligent-design advocates. "

Robust scientific research program? Sadly, the Discovery Institute does not seem to offer any courses on "Petard Safety and Handling".

Canadian Club on Ice

And the TVNewsJammer Award goes to...

I watched two good uses of the media today on Global TV noon news.
(And as the last three words of that sentence are all things I rarely experience on a personal basis, this might be a bit rough.)

The top stories were the sinking of BC ferry "Queen of the North" and the rescue of the three hostages in Iraq. As none of the main players in either story were available for questioning at airtime, Global interviewers were reduced to asking their "and so how did you feel when you heard…" questions of whoever they could get.

On the hostage rescue. In what appeared to be a TV studio interview, a Christian Peacemaker Team co-worker and fellow peace activist of freed Canadian hostage James Loney used his several minutes of fame to lambaste the invasion and occupation of Iraq as criminal and illegal. Wearing a t-shirt that had something written on it in Arabic, he listened carefully to whatever question was put to him, nodded quietly to indicate his understanding of the question, and then firmly continued on with his own message. He said his buddy the freed hostage might have to be dissuaded from going right back to work.
It was fucking great.

There followed what I first took to be a short TV documentary on the fragility of life, but it turned out to be a very long commercial for a private medical insurance company instead. Good product placement though.

On the sinking of the "Queen of the North". In my scramble to locate the mute button before I heard the above-mentioned brand name for the 28th time, I missed the name of the local and possibly native guy who was interviewed near the spot where the ferry sank. And how did he feel?
Paraphrase : “These ferry captains have 15 years experience negotiating this difficult waterway on a regular basis so if anyone imagines that opening up the inland passage to heavy commercial gas or oil freighter traffic wouldn’t result in a much worse disaster, they’re fooling themselves.”

Kudos to both of them.
This is Alison reporting from Creekside - a truly crapulous comfy chair report with the most relevant information either missing or oversimplified, much like the original broadcast in question, but at least I haven’t asked you how you feel.

You want the funny? I'll give you the funny

Witty irreverent Canadian blogs, with killer comments :

[insert something clever]

Diefenbaked

K-Dough's Canada

Words Without Walls

Outsourcing the 2010 Olympics

From The Seattle Times:

"Around 350 contract opportunities have been posted on the 2010 Commerce Centre Web site, established by the B.C. Ministry of Economic Development to serve as a central repository for business opportunities related to the 2010 Games.
By the time the Games are complete, 10,000 public and private contracts will have been awarded, said 2010 Commerce Centre Director Brian Krieger. "That leaves us with 9,650," he said. "We've got a ways to go."
The contracts are open to all bidders, regardless of nationality.
"The process is fair, open and transparent. No advantage is given to companies in Vancouver, B.C., or Canada," Krieger said."

So far, one Washington state company has won a $70,000 contract from the city of Richmond to develop the public-art plan for the $155 million 2010 speed-skating oval. Another won a contract to help the Vancouver Organizing Committee (VANOC) select financial-planning software to run the business side of the 2010 Games.
Other "opportunities" advertised in the article include a call for construction of 7 buildings in Whistler, an AV consultant, and Team BC ceremonial uniforms.

I'm still getting over spokespeople for the non-union sector of the construction industry, like 'Independent Contractors and Businesses Association' Philip Hochstein, calling for 20,000 additional construction workers admitted on work permits between now and 2010. And Curtis Panke of World Wide Immigration Consultancy Services, a Toronto-based company, who told the Times of India in February 2005 that "British Columbia is on the lookout for 30,000 skilled tradesmen from India to build necessary infrastructure for the 2010 Winter Olympics." (Source : The Tyee)

Back to The Seattle Times article:

"John Furlong, chief executive of VANOC, earlier this month blamed the overheated condition of B.C.'s construction sector when he announced a 23 percent jump in VANOC's capital budget, to just over $500 million. VANOC's budget is financed by B.C.'s provincial government and the federal government of Canada.
Labor shortages could force B.C. builders to look beyond their own borders for assistance to keep projects on schedule. Likewise, higher prices for materials and manufactured goods in B.C. could make U.S. goods more attractive — especially since the value of the dollar has fallen nearly 20 percent since Vancouver won the Games and 40 percent in the past five years, making U.S. goods less expensive in Canada.

"All of this activity, along with the spending needed to supply and support it, will cause the B.C. economy to grow 0.9 percent to 1.2 percent per year more than it would have in the absence of the Olympics, according to Derek Holt, an economist with RBC Financial Group.
"Adding the Games may heat up the economy to the point where it runs up against shortages in materials or labor," Holt wrote in a recent research report. "The effect may be a higher cost of living across the province, cost over-runs on Games projects and intensifying price and wage pressures in coming years." "

Wait. You're telling me Canadian taxpayers are paying to outsource jobs now, so that we can pay for a higher cost of living and labour disputes later? What kind of Five Ring Circus is this?

Source: Vancouver Organizing Committee, Seattle Times reporting

Update : The right hand doesn't know what the other right hand is doing.
As Phyl points out in the comments, while the BC Ministry of Economic Development is advertising outside the country for construction jobs, Immigration Canada is deporting 45,000 illegal immigrants a year, many of whom are construction workers who have been living and paying taxes in Canada for a decade.
The Toronto Star

Sunday funny papers

Sunday - the day we set aside to deal with religion ... and tabloids!

Tom Cruise! Southpark! Thetans!
Thetans? Yes, Thetans were in the news again this week after a Southpark episode mocking Tom Cruise and Scientology failed to air as scheduled due to interference from those pesky Thetans. Or Enthetons. Or Viacom.

You know I really tried to research this fairly but my engrams were blocking again so I'll just crib from Wikipedia and this Rolling Stone article on Advanced Level OTIII Scientology :

"75 million years ago, an evil galactic warlord named Xenu controlled seventy-six planets in this corner of the galaxy, each of which was severely overpopulated. To solve this problem, Xenu had psychiatrists round up 13.5 trillion beings by telling them they were being inspected for income tax and then froze them and flew them to Earth, where they were then dumped into volcanoes around the globe and vaporized with hydrogen bombs. This scattered their radioactive souls, or thetans, until they were caught in electronic traps set up by Xeno around the atmosphere and "implanted" by 3D movies with a number of false ideas -- including the concepts of God, Christ and organized religion. Scientologists later learn that many of these entities attached themselves to human beings, where they remain to this day, creating not just the root of all of our emotional and physical problems but the root of all problems of the modern world."

L Ron Hubbard also tells us the 13.5 trillion beings dumped here dressed very much like people from the 1950's and were transported to Earth in planes that looked exactly like the Douglas DC-8s from the 50's. Thetans are evidently very big on the 50's.

Meanwhile, Xenu is reputedly still locked up in that fiery volcano in Hawaii, or possibly the Pyrenees, while the rest of us try to free ourselves from enthetans (bad thetans) and regain our natural place in the universe as clear immortal beings.

Are you still there? Your head didn't fall off? Good for you. Obviously you're very highly evolved. Novice scientologists are warned that they risk death by reading that passage before they are ready to receive it. Or before their bank accounts are overdrawn, whichever happens first.

So - an ancient intergalactic battle between good and evil skygods in which the bad skygod is banished to the fiery bowels of the earth while disembodied souls attempt to cleanse themselves of earthly dross in order to be reunited in everlasting bliss with the good skygods.

And you call this a religion? Feh. A ridiculous story like that could never catch on as a religion.

In closing, I leave you with the immortal words of L Ron Hubbard, the man who will lead the world to the Way of Truth : "If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion."

And if you want to catch that Southpark episode with its handy Scientology primer, go here.