In a perfect world

it would not have been necessary for Stephen Harper to eat a baby....

Go.

And yes I have stolen Ottawonk's entire site logo here but he's off on Perogies and besides I'll put it back before he gets home.

The "Afghanistan job fair"

is all about attracting more federal public servants to Afghanistan:

"Serving in Afghanistan is a unique and rewarding experience," the memo reads.
"Canadian public servants in Kabul and Kandahar are at the cutting edge of Canada's international work in challenging environments and their contributions will shape Canada's approach to engaging the world for a generation to come."

John Manley's 2007 Afghanistan Task Force advisors, headed by David (no relation) Mulroney and his merry band of 24 experts, are still toiling away at the Privy Council Office and, according to some, sucking all the oxygen out of any other DND, CIDA, or Foreign Affairs project.

Fen Hampson, director of the Norman Paterson School of International Affairs at Carleton University explains it's all about Obama :

"Canada's major foreign policy priority is going to be to make inroads with the new administration," he said. "The fact that we are one of the major players in Afghanistan, alongside the Americans, is a very important card and, I would say lever of influence with the incoming Obama administration, Mr. Hampson believed.

"We're not just investing in Afghanistan's future, we're also investing in the Canada-U.S. relationship and partnership. So when you do the accounting you have to include that political calculation into the equation."

No mention of public servants requiring special boots to prevent "blood and fecal matter" from being "tracked into personal quarters" this time round so maybe it could really be fun!

Thanks, Fen!

via Ottawonk whose forays into a possible career change were abruptly brought up short by a question on the RCMP application :
"-Have you ever engaged in bestiality?"
Never mind, Ottawonk. Hey what about Lion Tamer? They must be needing lion tamers in the public service by now.

And they're back!

With pledges of renewed civility in the House.

"I agree that decorum has gone down somewhat,"admitted previous Speaker of the House Peter Millikin, in what must be described as an underunderstatement.

"We want to be very serious," pledged Jay Hill, the new Conservative House leader who took over the position from Peter Van Loan, famous, along with his compatriot Pierre Poilievre, for his fondness for using sign language in the House.

Gone will be the parliamentary practise of responding to the opposing party's arguments by making an L on one's forehead with thumb and forefinger. Never again will Con MP Royal Galipeau, himself a contender for Speaker of the House up till an hour ago, storm the Liberal backbenches to grapple with Lib MP David McGuinty.

Personally I think this proposed civility thing is a big mistake. Arm the buggers, I say! Break out the parliamentary catapaults! Build a moat in the aisle and fill it with green jello. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Fetchez la vache!

Picture ripped off from Ottawonk

Plan B? What the hell happened to Plan A?

NaPo : "In a marked change of tone entering the final week of the election campaign, the Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, said Monday he's in the midst of working on "secondary plans" to protect Canada from the ill-effects of a global financial crisis should conditions worsen in the country."
CBC : "The Conservatives have a Plan B..."

Plan B? What the hell happened to Plan A?
I heard that Plan B may cause nausea and vomiting, must be taken within 72 hours to be effective, and then when you die you get fast-tracked to hell.
So a little late here, huh, Steve?

But what do I know about economics? For a serious strategic analysis : Ottawonk breaks it down at e-lekshunHub08™

So long to The Way of the Metal Fist

Sandra Buckler resigns.

Buckler : "(French bouclier 'shield', from old French bocle, boucle 'boss') is a small shield gripped in the fist -- it was generally used as a companion weapon in hand-to-hand combat, useful in deflecting the blow of an opponent's sword or mace.

The primary use of the buckler is to protect the sword hand. The buckler's lightness and curved center made it excellent for deflecting attacking blades. Such a deflection would leave the attacker open for a rapid counter-attack.

"Metal fist": A buckler can be used to directly attack an opponent by punching with either its flat face or its rim."

h/t : Way of the Metal Fist

Cleavage-gate.

yeah, you were awesome too baby ... hey, did i leave some shit there last night? ***

BT Stephen Taylor is pleased that this whole sordid business of biker chicks and microphones allegedly planted in the seams of mattresses is now solidly behind us :

"By clearing the deck of the Bernier issue, the Prime Minister’s office will construct a narrative of promptly dealing with issues of substance and holding the line on fabrications from the opposition...Today was a bad day for Conservatives, but it represents an opportunity for the government move forward on its agenda without this distraction."

Yeah! - "moving forward", "constructing a narrative", "promptly dealing with issues".

So what have you got for us?

Ottawonk, from whom I pillaged the above pic and ***, notes that according to this Government House Leader page, next week is "Sound Economic Management Without a Carbon Tax Week", tastefully accompanied over at the ReformaTory homepage with this pic.

Oh. So it's Business as Usual with Funny Hats Week vs boobs then, is it?

I dunno, Mr Taylor, but I'm gonna hafta go with Cleavage-gate here. Boob stories always have more legs.

Ottawonk - wicked funny on this - Go

Mulroney invokes Sir John A.

in his closing remarks before the Ethics Committee:
"From Sir John A. Macdonald on, every prime minister has made mistakes," Mulroney said. ". . . part of the greatness of Sir John was that he was flawed..."

Ah, now that was an unfortunate comparison, Bri.
As Ottawonk points out, Sir John A holds the distinction of being " the very first conservative prime minister to take kick-backs on a procurement contract (they didn't have planes back then so they did it with trains)."

Despite Sir John A's claims of innocence, there was the little matter of receipts for the money from the Canadian Pacific Railway bidder (thank heavens we've progressed since then!) plus a telegram from Macdonald six days before the election which read, "I must have another $10,000. Will be the last time of calling. Do not fail me. Answer today."

Sadly, telegrams are seldom used for this type of transaction nowadays.

Best live-blogging of Muldoon's 3 1/2 hour non-testimony is Hope and Onions' The Mumbrage. The subtitles alone are worth the jump.

Havril does HelloKitty

Although we are still miffed that VANOC declined our own brilliant submission above for the What-a-Colossal-Waste-of-Freakin-Money™ mascot contest, we are pleased to see that, as promised, Havril has a provided an alternate set for a completely unrelated event, along with the following disclaimer :

"The phrases "Olympic", "Games", "2010", "Winter", "Cold", "Snow", "Snow Bunny", and "Baby Jesus" are, we think, registered trademarks of VANOC. So are, we assume, the phrases "We've Trademarked Everything So You Can't Say Anything", "Colossal Waste of $$$$$", and "Why, Yes, $580 Million Would Feed a Lot of Hungry Kids". Until Tuesday, we thought the phrases "Pokemon" and "Hello Kitty" weren't, but now we aren't so sure."

Heh, heh. Go.

And while some of us are in the business of direct-to-landfill marketing to children, still others are hoping to make a yuletide buck off the $500K misfortunes of others. We are only disappointed it doesn't come in a thong.

Steve and Sandra throw Brian under a bus

To : The Ministers of Whatever and your various meaningless minions
From : The PMO
"Effective immediately and until further notice, none of you are to utter the name Brian for any reason whatsoever. Needless to say, talking to anyone named Brian is also strictly forbidden. Some of you nobodies have displayed the unfortunate lack of foresight to name your firstborn Brian. Too bad, no exceptions.
Signed,
Sandra Buckler

PSA : Steve Won't Teabag Brian No More
TGB : Trouble in the Conservative Sandbox

Back from lolling about at the lake all summer,

Ottawonk weighs in on

The Cons' Veiled Threats Against Elections Canada Non-Controversy with:

Lolparliamentarians and

A Dingo Ate Our Photo ID

....[obl rulz lol !!! :P]...

They also award their coveted second annual prize for Federal Public Service Excellence in the Field of Speaking Truth to Retardedness™ :

“So the will of this committee is not the will of Parliament?” Mr. Lukiwski asked.
“With all due respect, I cannot accept the position that a committee can adapt and amend an Act of Parliament,” Mr. Mayrand answered.

You're not bored with laughing at this four party lunacy yet, are you?

Because CBCTV National News was still going on about it last night.

Sadly however they lack the editorial adroitness of Canadian Cynic.

Cartoon Ethics

Go on - click it.

Ottawonk provides us with this, um, refreshingly simple example of cartoon ethics right off the government's Public Service Human Resources Management Agency website.

Uh huh, it really is a cartoon extolling the public service employee's obligation of whistleblowing.

And just in case said public service employees are unable to grasp the cartoon in all its mindblowingly awesome simplicity, the Office of Public Service Values and Ethics also provides a little transcript of it as well.

Here at Creekside, we would like to make one or two small adjustments to that transcript, in keeping with the Con gnogov's recent record on whistleblowing :

Panel 1 : An Environment Canada employee sees John Baird virtually stealing money for Alberta's oil industry in his upcoming Environment Canada legislation.

Panel 2 : Yo, public service employee! People should know about this! Do da right thing!

Panel 3 : Lulu looks on as the hapless Environment Canada employee is persuaded to reveal Baird's regulatory shenanigans to the Canadian press and public, here rather aptly represented by a somewhat small and insignificant-looking figure way off in the background.

Panel 4 : Not shown. Hapless Environment Canada employee led off in handcuffs by the RCMP.

Our new transcript more accurately reflects the experience of Can Enviro employee X, arrested and handcuffed at his Environment Canada desk for his act of whistleblowing. He was released a couple of hours later without charges, presumably because he had not broken any laws.

We eagerly look forward to the government's next "Window on Values and Ethics" cartoon and strongly suggest it should be about employee intimidation. They could include this handy reaction to the day's events from John Baird, as caught by1337 hax0r :

“The arrest is a signal to other government employees that future leaks of information won't be tolerated," suggests Environment Minister John Baird.”

Conservatoon ethics.

UPDATE : CBC : The EnviroCan employee is Jeff Monaghan, news reader temp at EC, member of a collective that recently opened an anarchist bookstore in Ottawa, and the drummer in a punk band :

Getting things rebranded for all of us

A screen shot of the website of the ruling party of Canada.

The "flip flop" background behind Dion is a nice touch.

But the best part is their headline : "Replacing Liberal Talk with Real Action on Climate Change".

How very true. One of the 'things Steve got done' this month was to eliminate the Climate Change Policy Directorate at Environment Canada after rebranding their initiatives as his own. The CCPD are the experts "responsible for implementing new policy, co-ordinating climate-change efforts among different government departments, and analyzing their potential impact."

CJOB : "The memo came just as the prime minister embarked on a national tour to announce a series of green initiatives that were largely prepared by the division now being dismantled."

Hey, thanks for the great green talking points for Steve's road trip, guys, but I reckon your work is all done now.

"The (policy) work now is being done by a very small handful of people under the direct supervision of (the Privy Council Office) and Prime Minister's Office."

Getting Things Rebranded For All of Us.

List of rebranded initiatives at CJOB

Horrible CPoC screen shot via link at Ottawonk.

UPDATE : My Blahg : Canada's Climate Change Plan

My NewGov Fitness Technique is Unstoppable

"Active kids are unstoppable!" says the gnuest useless addition to the other totally useless gnugov pages.

Ottawonk figures it's a page designed by and for 3-years-olds, but I'm thinking you'd need to be at least 4 to crayon healthy parents Bob and Dave taking little Popeye and their groceries for a nice healthy walk.on the Physical Activity Colouring Page - oops, sorry, Coloring Page.

Personally, we at Creekside are pleased to see that the Getting Things Doners™ have finally recognized colouring as a valid physical fitness activity.

But wait! There's more!

Has someone you know you recently lost a loved one? Did you forget to send that special someone in your life a Valentine?

A click on a sidelink takes you to a choice of four gnugov Healthy Lunches e-greeting cards where you can even add a special message of your own. "Sorry your dog died - Eat more broccoli" is just one fine example of the kind of greeting your tax dollars could send to a loved one today.

And don't forget - if your kid colours outside the home, be sure to apply for that $500 per kid fitness tax credit. Bob and Dave, who may or may not be rich enough to afford to lay out $500 on little Popeye's fitness classes, would want you to have it.

Getting Things Doners™ - Mes Amis

With apologies to mnftiu-Get Your War On.

P.S. Is that girl skipping rope in the background really topless? See Ottawonk for details.

UPDATE ; Link to Public Health Agency of Canada fixed.