Friday, July 21, 2006

A four-tier Canadian passport system

A quick scan of the blogosphere and some comments under this Glib&Mall article on the evacuation of Canadians from Lebanon reveals our current Canadian passport system to be just not Canadian enough for some folks.
It is apparently woefully inadequate to the task of classifying different types of Canadian citizens.

Which citizens are merely "Canadian-born"?
Which ones spend too much time in other countries we've never been to?
Which ones truly love beer and hockey?

Obviously having the same passport for everyone just isn't working out here.
Time for a four-tier passport then - to more accurately reflect true Canadian values.
Think you're top-tier? Think again.

PlatinumPlus Passport
Congratulations. You are a multinational corporation with all the rights of full citizenship.
Nice doing business with you and may we say it is an honour to serve you, sir.
We hope you enjoy your stay in our country.

Gold Standard Passport
You are white, or at least wealthy, and you vote ConservaLiberal. Your country of origin is really none of our business and we're very sorry to have bothered you. Never mind about that whole silly taxes nonsense.

Silver LoneStar Passport
You are white, or aspire to be, and you were born here. Whoop-de-doo.
Oh, and as you never tire of pointing out, you pay taxes. Go, Oilers!

Bronze Age Passport
Also known as the "brown-skinned" passport, applies to all "Canadian-born", including First Nations.
Shut up, get back in line, and quit complaining in your funny accent.
A little gratitude wouldn't go amiss here you know.

Yeah, this should work out nicely.


scout said...

should i brush up on my canuk lingo to qualify for some kind of passport?

you hoser, pass the maple syrup, eh? Thank you, thank you, please, you're welcome, please, sorry, so sorry. Yup, looks like snow's coming. Hey did ya check out the new Yamaha four-stroke snowmobile? I'm pissed off. Where's my toque?

while i realize this may only consider me for an alloy passport, it's better then nothing.

Anonymous said...

Scout : That and a good fer you should get you tin.

What, no uranium passport? Steve was trying to sell uranium passports in London before the G8.
They are reserved just for those who buy our resources without ever setting foot on Canadian soil.

Anonymous said...

Ouch. Being Irish-Canadian and a smart ass, I'd be grovelling for bronze. We should hyphenate our heritage now in case we're tempted by "free delivery", so people can say, see, I knew it, you can't trust those Irish-Canadians when there's fertilizer and a cause.

Dave said...

Sweet, another status symbol to pursue! Kids don't forget, without're nothing!

Platinum: Co-ordinated military strike to recover you and avenge any lost assets.

Gold: Stephen Harper will fly you out himself (if you promise to vote for him)

Silver: Our ambassador will ask for you to be released from prison, and returned to Canada for a local heroes welcome

Bronze: Some low level employee of FAIT will get around to ask for your brutallized corpse to be returned to your family...whenever they can get around to it if they like.

Unknown said...

Sheesh, you left out the fifth tier, for non-Canadian born! Actually, that should be fifth for WHITE non-Canadian born, and sixth for BROWN non-Canadian born. And maybe seventh for "likely to offend" non-Canadian born provisional citizens, whose citizenship we will happily revoke any time they commit a crime or even sneeze the wrong way.

Sounds like a plan to me.

Alison said...

Scout, Tim, Q, and Phyl:
Look, people, there aren't going to be any additional tiers here. There's just
~rich whitish from anywhere,
~home-grown whitish, and
All other applicants get temporary work permits.

No customizing, no substitutions, no sneezing, and definitely no hyphens.

Why must you lefties always complicate things?
Why can't you be more like Dave?

scout said...

>why can't you be more like dave?<
because i'm not a single good-looking guy who lives in the north?

is there a prize to answer that question , like, hmmm, maybe a step-up in passport status?

o.k. o.k., i went out tonight and drank lots of kava kava.....truly fluid thoughts. damn, i can't even enter the stupid word verification letters right! diving in for a second attempt....

Anonymous said...

Thanx scout. I have problems with the verification letters too, even when I'm not drinking. There's so much pressure to get them right and being a dyslexic-Canadian I lose confidence and sometimes feel so 4th-tier trying to comment here. But who can stay away, always anticipating a new lego post that may be in the offing?...grrrrr

scout said...

q i think i may be slysdexic too. i guess some use the word verification to keep the spammers away, and they are an outright bore and pain in the butt. i don't need to have kava kava in me to have to try up to three or four times to get those letters right.

i've applied at creekside for a sixth-sense passbot but alison is strict , very strict.

Dr.Dawg said...

Strange--I read an "alternate world" novel many years ago, in which Germany had won the Second World War. There were indeed gradations of passport, with the prized "Full Passport" going to party officials.

Hmm. Not to Godwin or anything. :)

Alison said...

Dawg : Was it "The Man in the High Castle" by Philip K. Dick?
Good tale.

Dr.Dawg said...

No, not that one--Dick's best, IMO. That was set mostly in California. The one I've been trying to track down is set in Britain. No luck so far.

Alison said...

Have you tried here?

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